


where then must we look for springtime?

by dulset



Category: SKAM (Netherlands)
Genre: Dutch!Even is named Blue, Fluff and Angst, M/M, is it a fix-it if we technically dont have a season 3
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-18
Updated: 2020-06-15
Packaged: 2021-03-03 02:41:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 14,589
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24177586
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dulset/pseuds/dulset
Summary: Lucas feels like he's floating on stagnant water. He can almost make out the barely there ripples teasing at his sides while he desperately thrashes his limbs for some sort of change, some kind of motion around him. Instead, he's a weightless leaf that fell into this unmoving deep unknown; can't sink but can't move at the same time. He doesn't know what kind of disturbance he needs to get out of this stupid state of inertia he's stuck in. Or maybe he does; and it's not in the form of petite bodies and little waists he tried to convince himself was what boys like him should be into.He just doesn't know where to find what he actually needs.(or: Skam NL season 3 in writing because if NPO3 won't give it to us then who will?)
Relationships: Lucas van der Heijden/Original Male Character(s)
Comments: 8
Kudos: 24





	1. Episode 1

**Author's Note:**

> So to avoid confusion, I decided to name Dutch!Even as Blue. I came up with it because stan twitter somehow made him to be a flower boy so i took it from the Dutch translation of the word flower which is Bloem.
> 
> I fancasted ig user ninonorth as Blue, based on this [ tweet ](https://twitter.com/takoyakisak/status/1250013548291317762?s=21). But, if you have other fancasts, feel free to tell me in the comments!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It all starts on a Friday, but Lucas doesn't know that yet.

**Vrijdag 21:30**

Lucas feels like he's floating on stagnant water. He can almost make out the barely there ripples teasing at his sides while he desperately thrashes his limbs for some sort of change, some kind of motion around him. Instead, he's a weightless leaf that fell into this unmoving deep unknown; can't sink but can't move at the same time. He doesn't know what kind of disturbance he needs to get out of this stupid state of inertia he's stuck in. Or maybe he does; and it's not in the form of petite bodies and little waists he tried to convince himself was what boys like him should be into. 

It’s ironic, he thinks. Right now, he’s holding on to Kes’ shoulders, the latter speeding across the streets of Utrecht on his bike. He can feel the harsh breath of wind slap his face, as well as the unevenness of the road under him. Jayden is on one side of them matching Kes’ speed and Maikel, a guy from their class they just randomly started hanging out with outside of school, on the other side struggling a little behind them. The world around him continues to live. After all, no one else can hear the static sound stillness inside of him.

It was then that he feels the bump on the road before he even sees it. Kes is apparently tipsier than he had been when he decided that moving to the party with their bikes rather than his trusty scooter was a good idea; which was counterproductive considering they spent almost half an hour pumping the tires before they got to leave. So, when they crash into Maikel who finally caught up to them, Lucas blames it to the beer he nursed during their pregame. No one has to know that he barely finished the two cans Jayden handed to him. 

“Yeah! Let’s get this party started!” Maikel doesn’t even look fazed by the crash as he gets up on his bike again. He hears the others cheer in response while he struggles to balance himself behind Kes, who probably forgot he has an extra baggage on his back because he’s speeding up again like nothing happened. 

The rest of the ride is quite peaceful. The sound of the wind swallows the drone of the people they pass by. Lucas would revel in that kind of silence but it’s ruined when the boys start planning their conquests for the night again. Yeah, Lucas really needs a lot more than two beers tonight.

Lucas takes a drag off the joint they’ve been passing between themselves and slumps contentedly at the edge of the pool. He’s pleasantly buzzed, sober enough that his vision is still intact; though the combined effect of alcohol and weed finally got his mind mellowing to a quiet hum. He’s starting to feel good enough that he doesn’t mind how much his fingers are pruning from staying in the water for so long, or even the fact that the boys are scanning through the crowd of bikini clad bodies for some quick hookup behind the showers. See, he does know how to get himself out of that stupid slump he momentarily got into. He probably just went on without being Lucas the ladies man for too long.

“I swear she just winked at me, man! That means I should come after her right?” Maikel’s got his eyes trained on said girl’s retreating form, earning a laugh from their little huddle. “If winking requires two eyes, then she definitely winked at you, bro,” Kes answers making them erupt in laughter again as Maikel huffs in mock annoyance.

Lucas promptly zones out of their conversation as he looks over the beach chairs above the pool to his side. Kids he could recognize from their high school mill about in their swimsuits and beach shorts, some even wearing sunglasses despite it being somewhere around midnight. Then his eyes stop at the two girls standing by the edge of the pool, a flimsy little plastic between them. He thinks he’s seen them since they arrived yet they look they haven’t touched the water at all.

“Bet I can get her to come down the water for me,” he hears himself say, still trained on the girls. Or just one of them really, the brunette one. The boys follow his line of sight and burst out laughing once again. 

“Yeah? And how are you gonna do that?” Kes gives him a secret smile as if to remind him of that girl he apparently made to cum on his fingers. “I heard she dumped this Instagram famous 20 year old model. She’s way out of your league,” Jayden pats a consoling hand to his back. Looking at her again, she really is out of his league. She has curly brown hair tousled to perfection, droopy eyes, full lips, and the kind of body Maikel could wax poetics about for days.

“Well she’s not gonna go after guys like that anymore if she dumped him.” He straightens himself and pushes himself off the wall he’s been glued to for the past hour, “I have a chance,”

Then he swims closer to the side where the two girls stand; distantly hearing the wolf whistles following him.

Up close, the girl is even hotter than he thought. He ignores the voice at the back of his head telling him this was a bad idea, as he clears his throat to catch their attention, “It’s a shame for you to come here looking like that just to not get a little wet.”

Despite his little warning, the girls still jumped at his voice, sending the little plastic they were fussing over straight to the water in front him. He takes it in his hand and notes the little pills inside. He makes a show of taking one out of the packet and looks back up at the brunette. 

“Hi…?” Confused, but she’s facing him completely now. Good. He offers a little half smile, then with a sure voice, “Lucas.”

The girl walks closer, which makes her friend groan from behind her, the sound slowly fading out as she leaves them be. She got the hint that she’s being ignored. “Lily,” comes the brunette’s reply.

“Well, Lily. If you wanted some dilution you could’ve just asked me to help you,” he pops the pill to his mouth, eyes still trained on Lily as she follows his movements. He keeps his mouth open, the pill resting on his tongue. The ball is on her court now and he knows she’s gonna take it. 

Her eyes snap back to his, the corner of her mouth lifting. Not long after and she’s kicking her sandals off her feet. Bingo.

Before he knows it, there’s a splash, familiar wolf whistles, soft lips pressed against his, and a tongue chasing the pill in his mouth. Mission accomplished.

He feels the approval when there’s the same hand from before, Jayden’s, clapping him in the back this time. He feels when the boys move past him to get to the ladder to get out of the pool. He feels the stares from all around him even with his eyes closed. Of course. There’s a beautiful girl clinging to him, swapping spit with him. Hell, she’s probably even the hottest chick in this party. 

He feels her hands travel from his hold on his neck to grab at his hair. He feels her tongue rolling against his with the pill pressed between them. He feels her lips leave his before she dives back in to connect them again. 

But then he also feels himself sobering up. He, once again, feels the dead weight he felt before he walked through this house’s doors. She’s a good kisser, he notes, but this kiss doesn’t actually make him feel anything at all. 

Her hands start slowly travelling from his neck, to his chest, down to his stomach. All this while her mouth moves to press briefly against his jaw then lingering at the pulse in his neck. Just when her fingers were about to graze the waistband of his shorts, he harshly pulls away, setting Lily a little out of balance.

“I, uh,” Lucas starts backing away, to the direction of the ladder, “Need to wash up now. I… shower room,” he manages to stutter all while swiftly hoisting himself up at ground level. Lily is still rooted to where he left her, but the confusion in her face is slowly morphing to a delighted smirk, “Yeah?”

He panics, thinking of another way out when he feels a drop of water fall on his shoulder. “I really need to get home though,” he points to the sky, “Don’t wanna get caught up in the rain.” And then he adds a sorry, as an afterthought. 

He doesn’t look back after that. He washes up in the shower room as promised but if he doesn’t even hurry to the flatshare, not even going home until hours later, Lily doesn’t have to know that.

**Zaterdag 01:45**

Lucas doesn’t know how the café still hasn’t kicked him out when he’s got a whole couch to himself and all he ordered was a packed coconut drink displayed at the counter fridge. 

Living in a flatshare with Jayden is fun unless you have this image of being able to get the girls you want. It’s not that he’s a shallow person. They’re literally friends with Maikel and the guy has the worst game in town. It’s because he has to keep up this reputation and make a show of scoring a hook up— and dipping before it gets too far is not gonna help. So, sobering up in a café while filling up the handy sketchbook he secretly carries with him everywhere became an after party routine ever since he left home.

Hanging out at this café meant people watching. But all he has drawn is what’s probably the most painfully detailed bicycle he’s sketched. There are a man’s legs straddling the bike with shoes that look suspiciously like the ones Kes wore earlier at the party. The pages before that is a mess of curly hair, round eyes lined with long lashes, plush chapped lips trapping a roll, blowing clouds of smoke, smiling a familiar smile. There’s a reason no one but him ever got their hands on this notebook.

He stretches his neck for a bit after being bent in the same position for so long. He finally checks the time at the clock displayed at the back of the counter. _Huh_ , he thinks. It’s 1:45. That’s a decent enough time to head back. If he runs into Jayden, either he wouldn’t find Lucas too suspicious or he would be too drunk to care.

He turns to his backpack to pack his things. But before he could, something catches his eye; or rather, someone. This someone has bleached natural hair; lovely skin glowing under the cheap lights, big lips with a resting pout, high cheekbones, and a prominent jaw. He couldn’t see his eyes well since he was mirroring the position Lucas was in just minutes ago. So, he let himself stare.

He’s wearing a fit white shirt, hugging his lean build. A collection of big rings cover his hands; hands that are currently holding a black pen, probably writing words as beautiful as this human before him. Lucas brings his eyes up to look at his face again, only for the face to be looking back at him.

He quickly turns back to his notebook. He doesn’t look at the beautiful boy again. But, he doesn’t leave the café either. Not until he has filled out another page of hair decorated with flowers, lips stretched into a smile he witnessed for a millisecond, dark eyes staring into his soul, _flower boy, flower boy, flower boy._

He panics when he has no space left to draw. He’s itching to look to the table at his side again, just to see if he really did look the way his mind told him he did. When he notices a movement in that area, he tears the page off entirely instead, intent on ripping it all up.

But, his eyes catch those dark eyes again, rendered perfectly on lead. He doesn’t let himself think some more and simply inserts the torn page carelessly inside his sketchbook then gathers his things to leave. 

**Zaterdag 10:28**

He hears the noises, before he feels the bed dent all around him. It takes him a minute longer before he opens his eyes, only to be greeted by his roommates shoving a phone to his face. Liv is looking amusedly at him from the other side of the screen. He unconsciously raises his duvet to his shoulders before looking at his roommates— Ralph, Esra, and Jayden, huddled to his sides so Liv can see all of them on the frame.

It’s been a month since he had moved in to the flatshare. Things at home were getting too stressful for Lucas. It was the summer and being stuck at home all day for about two months with his mom didn’t sit right with him, especially now that his dad had left. He could suddenly relate to Jayden wanting to move out of his own home.

Liv had decided to come with Noah to Berlin after the semester ended. So, Jayden had finally called dibs on her room and Lucas had been offered a place in the smaller space the former vacated. 

Even now the fact that he had left his mom alone never fails to make his skin crawl with guilt. He had packed his bags, called a facility, and never came to check on her. He loves her, he truly does, but the last words she had spoken to him still rings loud in his ears and he couldn’t look her in the eye since. He had only managed to breathe the smallest sigh of relief when the facility contacted him back later, telling him they’re taking her in to be treated.

“…and look at this pigsty.” Ralph waves the phone around to show Liv the current state of his room. “I thought Lucas would be better than _this slob_ ,” Ralph has the screen pointed back to them, pushing Jayden off to address him, “but I guess he put a curse on whoever owns this room. This will forever be the worst place in the flat.”

They continue to talk about him as if he wasn’t with them, with Liv laughing at this throughout. Lucas could only stare blearily at her pixelated form, his head still not in the program.  
He hears Jayden whine about missing Liv’s food before Ralph runs off to the kitchen with him in tow. The sounds of Ralph defending his own cooking from her and Jayden hooting in the background are still audible, but at least they have moved on from bothering him.

He was just about to bury himself back in his duvet when he notices Esra still standing by his bedside. He holds back a sigh. He really can’t get some privacy around here, “Did you need anything, Esra?”

She had her hands shoved into the pockets of her pants. She then removes them and pulls out a piece of folded paper, which she hands to Lucas, “I’ve seen Ralph and Jayden try to draw and they were horrible. So, this must be yours?”

He reaches out to take the paper and shakily opens it up. He has a bad feeling about this. Esra’s calm face doesn’t do anything to curb the way his heartbeat starts to pick up. His suspicions get confirmed when he’s greeted by the same dark eyes he thought he had dreamt up. 

_So, he was real_ , he doesn’t say. Instead, he wills his hands to stop shaking, to convince himself that, no, Esra can’t see through him. It’s okay, he got this. “Yeah, it’s for a friend. Forgot to give it to them. Thanks.”

He quickly gets off his bed, crosses the room to his desk to shove the paper to a random drawer in it. When he turns around to see Esra still standing in the same position, that’s when Lucas doesn’t hold in the sigh anymore. “What is it, Esra?”

She’s fishing out another paper from her pocket and hands it to him as well, “Well, my friend from university is doing an art workshop,” she rocks back on her heels, pushing her hands back in her pockets, “You’re apparently talented and she needed to reach a quota of students.”

He doesn’t even think about it, it’s an automatic _no_. But Esra looks like she expected that reaction from him, “Well, if you won’t, I’ll show her anyway. I took a picture and I know she’d want you there.”

“You didn’t!” Lucas quickly crosses the room, demanding for her phone with his hand. She looks sheepish and she laughs when she answers, “No, I actually didn’t. I’m sorry, I knew you would get mad if I did that.”

She heads to his door to leave but before she does, she turns back to him again, “But think about it, yeah? I really think you’re mad talented and they’re gonna hold an exhibition with all the best works after. That would be a great opportunity for you.”

With that she leaves and he does let himself think. He takes a picture of the flyer, opens up his Tumblr blog and posts the picture he took with the caption, “Should I join?”  
He stares at his profile picture— a little drawing he made of him with Kes and Jayden, while waiting for the post to upload. He never showed it to them. The last drawing he ever showed Kes was probably something back from middle school.

When the upload was completed, he turns off his phone without waiting for replies and goes back to bed.

**Vrijdag 19:15**

Lucas finds himself walking to the small convention hall near Esra’s university. His Tumblr followers had all wanted him to join the workshop, so here he is. He’s not entirely sure why he decided to listen to them, if he’s being honest. 

Jayden had found them another party for the night and he can’t even remember whatever bullshit reason he had come up with just to bail out of it. They’re never gonna let him live this down if they find out.

He reaches the hall and presents his flyer to the usher waiting by the door. Then he’s immediately led to register his name before he was brought to the Art Room, as the usher called it. It is a big open space, which is now filled with about twenty easels evenly spaced from each other. There are two tables placed at the sides, filled with different materials from pencils to brushes to watercolors. Opposite to the door is a mini stage where the facilitators are setting up their own equipment and aids. 

Lucas chooses to sit in front of an easel conveniently placed between the table with the materials and the exit door. He can see students slowly trickling in and filling the room up from the corner of his eyes. He doesn’t look up until he feels a figure settling in at the easel next to his. 

When he does look up, there is a sharp intake of breath that he later realizes as his own. Because right in front of him is the same figure he spent the whole week immortalizing on a couple more pages in his notebook. The boy is looking back at him, the same smile playing on his lips as the one he had already drawn over and over.

He looks away much later than he would have liked but he’s not sure if he returned his smile. All he knows is that when Lily from the party last week somehow showed up as well and regarded him with a flirty grin, _so, art workshop, huh?_ , he couldn’t even pretend to be into it like he would in front of the boys. Instead, the upturn of someone else’s lips is still playing on loop in his head.

The moment he finishes his work, he grabs his bag to leave. They were free to do whatever they wanted as an assessment for their skills. He had decided to grab some markers and draw a caricature of his roommates.  
He slows down walking when he passes by a greenhouse just beside the convention hall. The door was slightly left ajar and he doesn’t think twice before letting himself in. 

He’s instantly attacked by the pleasant smell of flowers. From where he’s stood, he could clearly make out the bench facing the little fountain centerpiece. There’s little light passing through the green spaces at the dome, the remaining traces of the sun casting the room with a beautiful glow.

He climbs to the bench, sitting himself on the edge of the backrest, his feet resting on the seat of the bench. He pulls out his notebook and pen, then on a new blank page he starts drawing again, ignoring the slight numbness in his fingers. It’s as if his hand has a mind of its own, for like clockwork, there’s already a familiar wriggle of curls covered in roses, daisies, and violets. 

Before he could put a face to the floral silhouette he had sketched up, there’s a rocking in the bench from added weight. He quickly slaps his notebook closed, shoving it to his backpack before he turns to whoever had just intruded.

“Do you think the flowers can smell their cousins if we smoke right here?” It’s the guy again. He’s got his hand outstretched, an already rolled joint in his hold. _It’s an invitation_. Lucas laughs before he can stop it. _And he’s taking it_

The guy lights it up and takes a hit before passing the roll to him. Right after he releases a billow of his own smoke, he asks, “So did they do anything else after I left?”

This makes the other boy laugh in response, “Yeah, they made a model pose nude for us to draw,” Lucas raises a brow at that, his mouth turning up, “They said whoever makes the best sketch gets to suck the model’s dick.”

 _No way_ , he hears himself say. At that the boy cracks up at the disbelieving look in Lucas’ face, “Oh my god, you almost fell for it!” 

When their laughter mellows down, they simply settle into a comfortable silence. Or, as comfortable as it could with Lucas racking his brain for something to bring the conversation back up. He was about to open his mouth when another voice, far from the deep baritone of the other guy’s voice, chirps up from his other side.

“I’ve been looking for you! I saw your work earlier. You’re really good, Lucas.” He forgot about Lily. But now, she’s looking expectantly at him. He coughs awkwardly and raises a vague hand between the boy and him, “I was just here with, uh…” He coughs again, belatedly realizing that he doesn’t even know his name yet.

The guy must realize this too, because he doesn’t even need prompting before he’s extending a hand to Lily and introducing himself as, “Blue. My name’s Blue.”

 _Blue_. He tries saying it in his head. Maybe he even whispered it for the flowers to hear. Perhaps they would understand their other cousin’s name, too, right? This thought makes him laugh at himself a little.

When Lily climbs up as well to scoot herself to the unoccupied end beside him, he scoots to Blue’s side as well; widening the space between him and Lily but pulling himself closer to Blue. 

They sat there in silence, all of them wrapped up in their own thoughts. Lucas’ thoughts being the dull warmth he could feel from the body closest to his, that and the resonating chants of _flower boy, flower boy, flower boy_. As much as it makes him feel bad, he forgets about Lily once again— even with her seated right next to him.

It all starts on a Friday, but Lucas doesn’t know that yet.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Request Skam NL on [ Netflix NL ](https://help.netflix.com/nl/titlerequest)
> 
> I would love to hear your thoughts in the comments! Or if you wanna talk to me, you can send me a message on [ twitter ](https://twitter.com/isakmaki).


	2. Episode 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Guess who just came knocking? That's right, déjà vu.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First of all, I wanna thank everyone who left messages and comments on the first chapter. Thank you all for enjoying it. While we're at it I also wanna thank Vane and Maan for helping me out and for always listening to my plot-induced rants. And also, Giulia, baby thank you so much for supporting this fic even before it happened. To those who messaged me that I haven't mentioned, please know that yall made me happy. So yeah, I hope this next chapter wont disappoint. Enjoy!
> 
> (Sorry it took so long to update)
> 
> I'm fueled by comments so please leave some, thank you!

**Zondag 11:11**

Lucas is dumb. He should’ve known better than to commit the same mistakes as last year. Instead, he’s a stupid idiot moron dumbass. So, guess who just came knocking? That’s right, déjà vu. 

He had been squished in the living room loveseat with Ralph, both of them on their phones. The older man had been on his weekly hunt for a Grindr date, a routine he’s got back to after his breakup with Bennie. Lucas, on the other hand, had probably already seen each and every guy named Blue in Netherlands on all the social media apps he’s known, but still no trace of the only Blue he’s looking for. 

He’d decided to look for the art workshop’s Facebook page and resorted to searching one by one from its 1k likers. Just in case. He’d already been in the fifth page when Ralph shoved his phone to Lucas’s face. 

In it was a really pretty guy’s profile. Christoff, 25. _He’s cute_ , he’d said as such to the other man. _Really cute_ , he had continued offhandedly as he was about to turn back to his own phone. But then he’d caught the look on Ralph’s face. And that had been when déjà vu hit him.

A year ago, he had been sat beside Ralph in the same love seat and he’d made the mistake of looking over the older man’s phone and commenting on the profile on display. _He’s cute, right?_ , he’d said. Ralph had looked at him suspiciously, even more so at his next words; but he’d probably forgotten about it after he’d later run off to attend to Liv. Now, he’s sitting horrified with no Liv to distract Ralph while the latter continues messing away on the app. There’s a small smile on his face and the sight horrifies Lucas even more.

So he adds, “I mean, that’s how gay guys say it, right?” as an exact reenactment of his clownery from last year. All he gets from Ralph is a dry, “Right,” and the feeling that he’s just played himself. Good job, Lucas. Good job.

He decides to abandon his obsessive stalking and turns off his phone. He slumps on the loveseat and spends the next five minutes tracing the cracks in the ceiling, until Ralph speaks up again, “He’s insisting he’s straight but he wants to suck cock.”

Lucas promptly chokes on his breath but Ralph continues speaking, “Just watch, he’s coming out in no time.” This makes him turn to face the other man defensively, “Not every guy you meet is gay, Ralph.”

The blond however stays glued to his phone; the indication that the younger boy’s words were heard is a long sigh. He types something out and then he locks his phone to face Lucas, as well. “I know that, sunshine boy. But, I have a pretty good gaydar, y’know?”

“But, how does that work?” he tries to hide the interest in his voice with a laugh. The other man could probably tell from how he’s turned to face Ralph fully this time, his cheek propped on his hand. It’s a tight squeeze now that their legs are overlapping, but Lucas’s voice is even tighter, “How can you tell a guy is gay?”

Ralph clears his throat in preparation of an explanation. “Well,” he raises a pointed finger out, “One clue is when a stranger starts talking about sucking dick, for example”. The smile that had been on Lucas’s face drops when a thought surfaces in his head. The memory of his first conversation with a certain boy is on a mental loop, Blue’s words repeating over and over, _whoever makes the best sketch gets to suck the model’s dick_.

He shakes himself out of it when Ralph continues, two fingers up, “and having a Grindr account is a huge giveaway.” Before Lucas can say anything, Ralph’s phone rings. He sees Liv’s caller id when his eyes drop to the gadget in surprise. This prompts him to twist from where’s he’s curled on the loveseat and stand up to leave as Ralph takes the call. That’s his cue to hide in his room for the rest of the day.

The sound of Liv’s static voice gets muffled when he shuts the door and proceeds to bury himself facedown on his pillows. He lies there like that, rethinking his conversation with his roommate. After a while he rolls over all while he’s grabbing his phone to unlock it. 

He closes all the tabs he’d had open. His stalking had been futile, but maybe it’s because he hasn’t tried searching at dating apps? He swipes through the unorganized mess of apps on his phone and stops on the very last page. 

His thumb hovers over the screen. He reads it over as if looking at it long enough will magically change the name. _Grindr_ , it still says mockingly back at him. It’s been a while since he’s used it himself. 

The last time had been right after the disaster that was his first meet up. The guy had picked him up from school with a motorcycle. He had skipped his last class then and everyone else had been in their own classes; he’s pretty sure no one had seen them. The guy, Markus, had taken him to a café, a lot farther than his usual. When they’d arrived, he had been instantly crowded in the corner most couch, which had the most privacy. In a wave of panic, he’d asked the other guy to order for them first. Lucas had left immediately when Markus went to order and ran straight home. At least the guy had been quick to take the hint and never contacted him again.

But, when he’d gotten home he thought he could give it another try; not chicken out this time. He had matched with a skinny guy who hadn’t shown his face. His username had been a jumble of letters and numbers. He should’ve known then that he’d end up being ghosted yet he was still stupid enough to send a picture of his face when the guy asked. He got no reply after that. He hadn’t opened the app since.  
Before he thinks better of it, he lets his thumb finally press the little icon. At once, he’s greeted with a string of horny messages and ping after ping of notifications. He could only groan as he exits the app again. He deletes Grindr off his phone.

**Maandag 8:10**

It’s too early to go to class. By some miracle, all the boys turned up to school earlier than they usually would, so they’ve been hanging out at the cafeteria since—if you call it hanging out with Jayden, Kes, and Maikel bent in all positions in varying levels of sleep, while Lucas read the same paragraph on a random book he grabbed. That’s how Engel, Isa, and Janna find them later on.

“Good morning!” Engel’s voice causes the boys to stir up in their seats, even Lucas who had been very much awake. They haven’t even processed the girls materializing in front of them yet when Engel speaks up again, “So, the girls and I are throwing a party at Isa’s on Friday…”

Lucas was going to give her his full attention. He swears he really was, he even turned to face her fully. Instead, that gave him a clear view of the hallway leading to the senior classrooms. And that’s when he saw _him_. Just like that, all his attention went past Engel and zoomed straight to him. Blue. _He’s here_.

He can’t really be blamed for making fun of slow motion moments in teen dramas, but he thinks he might have to eat his words. Because as of right now, he thinks time just turned viscous. The planets probably rearranged themselves and Earth decided to be at home in an orbit farthest from the sun, which would be the best way to explain why Blue looks like he’s a scene plucked out of a movie just for Lucas to appreciate for free. He could almost hear Radiohead start to strum out some chords right by his ear, each smooth note matching Blue’s suave stride. 

He could still hear a garble of what Engel was saying, though he doesn’t really register it anymore when Kes pipes up as well. His head is in a haze of a melody that’s got him in a weird daze. A weird daze where the only movement he’s capable of is blinking and even that seems like a labor. He thinks he finally understands the science behind how eyes dilate, for now his are acting like lenses: wider and wider and wider. Wider until all focus is directed at Blue. Wider until everyone and everything in the background has faded to a blur. Wider until he’s captured every individual motion into a series of pictures in a burst shot.

In his little abstract database, he’s stored the swagger in Blue’s steps, the bounce in his hair, the little sparkle in his eye, the slow spread of his smile, the sun’s glow reflected on his skin, the wave of his hand, and the beam in his eyes when it’s directed at Lucas. It’s all so slow-going that not even being caught staring could send him to a state of panic. All until Blue disappears into his classroom and Kes’s question sends him back to reality, “…right, Luc?” Fuck. _What was that?_

“What?” That’s all he could reply. His brain is still not in the program.

“Your girl, Lily, invited us to her party for this Friday and she specifically asked for you. I already told her we’d all come.” Then Kes turns to where Engel, Isa, and Janna are still stood each with unreadable expressions of their own, “Sorry, girls.” 

The flat _Right_ he mumbles gets lost in the sound of the bell ringing. The girls turn to leave for their classes while the boys stand to grab their bags. He stays seated when the rest are already set to go.

“Luc?”

He sluggishly grabs to get his bag but when he stands to leave, it’s not in the direction of their classroom. He manages to say he’s going to the toilet before he’s walking away. When the boys realize there’s one closer to their class, he’s long swallowed by a crowd of seniors.

He doesn’t usually go here. The one time he did was when he waited with Kes for his then girlfriend last year. 

He’s right in front of the classroom Blue disappeared into, but he doesn’t move from the spot he’s hidden in until everyone’s inside for their first lecture. When the halls are empty, that’s when he tiptoes to the shelf containing the student logbook. For a moment he just stares at the cube that reads out Blue’s class.

What is he even doing?

The second bell rings. It’s a warning for latecomers. _Fuck it_ , he grabs the logbook and searches one by one for the only name he’s looking for. And then he sees it. Blue. Blue Oudekerk. That’s his name. 

_Blue Oudekerk_ , he repeats once. He closes the logbook and returns it to the shelf. He walks to where his class is already starting; all while his mouth reads the same name. _Blue Oudekerk_ , he types in his notes app. Just to be sure.

**Donderdag 1:01**

Lucas has never seen his room this clean. It must be such a surprise to everyone including himself since the noise he made from vacuuming and scrubbing and moving shit around caused all three of his roommates to take turns peeking inside to check the commotion. All of them had raised their eyebrows at him each time to which he just shrugged at to continue cleaning. 

For the past two days, he has done so much just to distract himself. He had invited the boys for a FIFA night, worked on assignments not even due until a few weeks, and now he’s looking at his newly shined floor thinking of more things to do just to stop himself from touching his phone. He hasn’t opened that one note since he typed it but that doesn’t mean the name in there isn’t already engraved in his brain. He can’t count how many times he’s stopped himself from entering it in his search bar only to shut his phone entirely for the rest of the day. Which is what lead to him distracting himself in all the ways he could think of.

But now, he’s run out of things to do and he doesn’t even think anymore when he reaches for his phone. He’s met with his Facebook account when he unlocks it, the blinking cursor in his search bar staring back at him tauntingly. Well, fuck it.

Without checking the note from Monday anymore, he finally lets himself type. _Blue Oudekerk_. The loading circle spins for a while but no results appear. This makes him frown. He’s delayed it this long for nothing?

He tries _Oudekerk Blue_ , then tries again on Instagram, then on Twitter, but all those times the same non-result shows up. He drags his eyes up higher to check the time. It’s 1:01.

Lucas carelessly drops his phone to the pillow next to his and pulls his covers over himself. There’s nothing to be disappointed about, he convinces himself. He’s got completed assignments and a clean room out of it; it’s fine. It’s fine, so he tells himself to just sleep.

But he can’t sleep. He’s tossing and turning and thinking of dark eyes and hair that’s begging to be adorned with flowers. He doesn’t even realize that he’s reached for his phone until the light blinded him for a second. That doesn’t stop him from opening Google to type the same name again.

He’s half expecting to get nothing once more but when the page loads he finally gets something.

The top result says _Blue Oudekerk’s stream on Soundcloud_. He doesn’t even consider that it might be a different person. He clicks right away.

It _is_ him. The profile picture confirms it. It’s Blue. He looks younger in it, with his braided hair falling over his eyes. He’s still as beautiful. 

Lucas scrolls down to look at the spotlight. He only has three songs, each with cover art of paintings and collage he hasn’t seen before. Must be something Blue made himself. Based on the titles, none of the tracks are covers. He quickly grabs to plug in his earphones before he clicks on the first song. When it starts, he settles himself on his back and closes his eyes. 

It’s a slow song, a bit of an R&B vibe. When Blue starts singing, Lucas could already picture how he must look mouthing those lyrics being sung to his ear right now. His voice is beautiful. He’s already thought so when he first heard him talk, but he should’ve expected it would be the same like this. Lucas honestly couldn’t tell if he’s being biased but it seems everything about Blue is. Beautiful, that is.

The second one autoplays right after. It’s a lot different than the first, much happier. He feels like he’s floating on a certain kind of high while listening to it. He doesn’t understand but it makes him feel scared, even as he lets it finish and the next one starts. The last song is the angriest. The unsettling feeling from the second song heightens; the roughness with the way Blue is singing makes him feel raw but alive. 

When everything goes silent again, Lucas opens his eyes. For about ten minutes, the other boy has let him into his world unknowingly and yet Lucas both feels everything and knows absolutely nothing about him at the same time. The last song still lingers in his ears, the words to it ringing and the hurt even more so. He doesn’t notice the tears in his left eye until it rolls down to his ear. He quickly wipes it all away when he does notice and unlocks his phone again to replay the first song. He decides right then that it’s his comfort song.

He thinks of the flowers lining the cover art of this particular track, the soothing melody that calms him down from whatever that was just a minute ago, and the honey of Blue’s voice. He puts it on repeat and locks his phone before he closes his eyes again. He falls asleep after the second loop.

**Vrijdag 15:30**

Not even five minutes after Lucas’s mom sent him three consecutive texts, another one comes— from his dad this time. He ignores both of them and pockets his phone. He catches up to Kes, Jayden, and Maikel, who hadn’t noticed him slow down to check his notifications, too deep into planning for the night at Lily’s. Lucas knows he shouldn’t sit this one out anymore.

“Why can’t we just go to Engel’s party instead?” Lucas registers Maikel whining when he finally matches his pace with the boys. He slings his arm around the pouting boy and in a faux worried voice, he says, “We could, but I’m not sure if she wants you there, man.”

Jayden and Kes cracks up from beside them while Maikel slaps at the nearest body part he could reach; which is Lucas’s chest, making him break from his hold on the other boy. Maikel joined in laughing but he still sighs, “I swear I felt sparks when we touched, I’m sure she felt it too.”

Lucas knows Maikel really doesn’t take all the teasing to heart so he jokes again, “She probably did considering how fast she got away from you.” This earns him another slap, in the arm this time, and another round of laughter.

“But I dreamt about her, you know?” Maikel continues, a playful look on his face. Lucas has a vague idea what it was about.

Jayden raises an eyebrow in question. Maikel’s lips stretch to a full grin but before he can say anything else, Kes snakes an arm around him to cover his mouth, “Anyways, Luc. Since you ditched us last week, you owe us a six pack.”

Lucas pauses for a second, suddenly reminded of the unread text from his dad. It’s probably another excuse why he won’t be getting enough money this month. He almost winces but he schools his expression when he notices Kes looking at him knowingly. He brushes it off and prays his smile isn’t as wobbly as it feels like, “Yeah, sure. I got it.”

Kes looks like he wants to take it back but Lucas just keeps walking. He can’t keep dumping his problems on his best friend.

They part ways a few blocks later after some more jabbing on Maikel’s part from the boys. When they had all disappeared into the street opposite him, including Jayden who’s already ready to pregame at Maikel’s, Lucas drops the smile plastered on his face as he starts worrying how he’s going to get them beer.

His feet bring him to the run down grocery store right in front of the flatshare. Surely Ralph wouldn’t mind lending him money again, right? 

He stands by outside the store as he takes out his phone to text Ralph. Instead, when he unlocks it, he’s greeted by the one sided conversation he has with his mom. He feels his heart clench just looking at it. She really had made it her mission to flood him with Bible verses as much as the facility would allow her. He really has no idea what she would want him to reply to those.

He starts typing, _thank you, mom_ , deletes it because he’s not sure what’s there to be thankful for. He starts again, _i love you, mom_ , then hesitates. He hasn’t replied to anything his mom sent him since he moved out. He breathes in once. Then as he exhales, he presses send. He barely exited the conversation before he receives a heart in reply. He smiles just a little.

He doesn’t bother opening his dad’s message. From the banner, it’s clear that he was right. He’ll be late for rent again. Looks like he has no choice. Ralph had honestly given him enough favors already but he still opens up his chat with him and tries anyway. _can u come to the grocery out front and buy me beer?_

His reply comes quick, _sorry sunshine boy_ it says, _@ work. be home by 21_. He lets out a frustrated sigh. Well, fuck.

“Well, aren’t you a ray of sunshine?” an amused voice quips beside him. He whips his head to that direction, and standing there is Blue, looking at him with a teasing grin on his face. His smile only grows bigger at the dumbfounded look on Lucas and without waiting for a reply, he adds, “Hello, Lucas.”

“Hi,” he whispers feebly and fiddles with his phone to avoid Blue’s eyes. They stand there quietly. He’s just staring at his chat with Ralph, pretending he’s actually texting, when he’s actually trying to see what Blue is doing from the corner of his eye. The silence is stifling. Blue breaks it with an awkward laugh. “Good talk.”

Lucas couldn’t think of anything clever to reply. All he can do is let out his own weak _ha ha_ and stare at his phone again as if that would give him answers.

He reads over Ralph’s last text once more. Oh, right. Okay, he’s doing this. He eventually looks up to the older boy. He wills himself not to blush when he catches him stealing glances and instead, he clears his throat, “You’re over 18, right?”

Blue apparently left his ID at home but he had offered free beer. That’s how he finds himself in Blue’s apartment later, sitting on his bedroom couch while staring at the backpack the other boy haphazardly dropped on the floor, the contents on the verge of spilling out. 

He could still hear clanging from the kitchen so as quietly as he could; he creeps to where the bag is to peek at the open pocket. The first thing he sees is a card. A card that has Blue’s face in it. And his name. _Oh_.

Before he could take it out of the bag, he hears footsteps approaching the room. He almost bangs his head to the guitar next to him in his haste to stand up, but he has enough time to compose himself as the older boy appears by the door. If Lucas had on a self-satisfied smile, the other boy would probably think it’s because of the drawings on the wall.

“You drew all these?” Now that he’s actually looking, the wall in front of him is half-filled with doodles, magazine cutouts, prints, paintings, and stickers. He catches sight of the cover arts of all three songs Blue released on his Soundcloud. He hears a hmm in reply.

“They’re good,” he allows himself to look some more then he turns to the older boy who’s smiling at him softly. On one hand, he’s holding out a bottle of beer for Lucas to take. He ignores the way his heart skips a beat. 

“There’s a six-pack back there. Just get it from the kitchen later. In the mean time,” he waves an already rolled joint, “I found this.”

They’d been hanging in the couch, passing the joint between them; when his group chat with the boys starts pinging endlessly. 

“Someone’s popular,” Lucas snorts rather unattractively at that. He retrieves his phone and as expected, the boys are hyped up about the party again. 

At what must be the 20th ping in a matter of minutes, Blue gets up with a quick _wait here_ and disappears into a door that leads to a closet. 

Just as the other boy starts walking back with a canvas in tow, there’s another ping. It’s a private message from Kes. _u got da beer? i’ll buy if u cant it’s fine_

He looks up just in time for Blue to plop down on the floor beside the couch, setting up the empty canvas, two brushes and some tubes of paint. He flashes Lucas the same soft smile from earlier then mindlessly arranges the supplies, as if to give him time to answer his messages. He can’t ignore the fluttering in his stomach anymore.

Swallowing the guilt stuck in his throat, he replies to Kes, _hey man sorry something came up with my mom. pls tell the guys and lily, i’ll make it up to you next time_. 

He shuts off his phone without waiting for a reply. He removes the denim jacket he has on, places it on the couch, then heads to where Blue is sat to join him on the floor. “So, what are we doing?”

The other boy’s smile widens, “We’re painting.”

“Yeah, I can see that. How are we doing this?”

“Glad you asked,” Blue grabs the canvas and the brushes, handing one to Lucas, “So, we only use one color each. Then we take turns painting. But, we can only do one stroke per turn. Dibs on blue!”

Lucas laughs as he picks up a red tube and follows the other boy in squeezing some into a palette. They settle the canvas between them. He waits for a go signal from Blue but the latter pauses.

“You don’t have somewhere to be, do you?” He makes sure, gesturing at Lucas’s phone. 

“Nope,” he says, shaking away thoughts of the boys from his head, “Nowhere else I’d rather be.” Somehow it scares him how it sounds less of the joke it was intended to be in his own ears, and more like he actually means it. 

He hides the thudding in his heart by dipping his brush to the red paint and swiping a long line without warning, “Your turn!”

Unlike Lucas, Blue takes his time, his brush slowly passing through the fresh red already in the canvas. Blue meeting red, the contact point creating purple. It reminds him of a Halsey song. The other boy must think so too because he asks, “What kind of music do you listen to?”

“Oh, so we’re getting to know each other now?” 

“Well, I’m insisting to be seatmates at the workshop so we better get to know each other,” Lucas struggles trying not to blush, he thinks he succeeds, “C’mon answer my question already.”

He laughs but acquiesces, “Brent Faiyaz, for sure.”

Blue hums in answer, “Look me up on Soundcloud then. Blue Oudekerk. You might like me better.” He says with a wink. _What the fuck_.

Lucas quickly bows his head down and hides the blush that is _definitely_ there now, with the excuse of using his turn to paint. He doesn’t say that he’s already listened to his entire discography. And he surely doesn’t say how he hasn’t listened to anything else since. 

Some back and forth of harmless questions and messy brushstrokes later, Lucas could say they had made quite a picture. There still are some spaces but he could already make out the sky that they wordlessly agreed on painting. Somehow, the more paint they splattered on the canvas, the closer they gravitated towards each other. Their heads are bowed close together that he could almost feel the phantom touch of the other boy’s hair tickling his forehead. The tingling in his fingers still hasn’t stopped from when they touched Blue’s when they reached for the palette at the same time. His heart is racing too fast despite how much he’s holding his breath; too fast that he fears the boy in front of him could hear it due to their proximity.

They’d gotten quiet the more they concentrated on their turns, so it rang clear when the doorbell chimed. Based on the confused face Blue makes, he’s not expecting anyone, but he still gets up to let whoever that is in.

When Blue emerges again, Lucas is jerked out of the pleasant high he had been in that had nothing to do with the joint they smoked earlier. There’s a sheepish look on the other boy’s face, as he rubs his acrylic covered arm.

“So…” Blue starts.

He doesn’t get to finish whatever he was going to say as a girl later sneaks up behind him and tugs his arm to level him towards her, enough that she can pull him close to crash their lips together.

_Oh_.

Blue keeps the kiss chaste enough to introduce them. Lucas stands from his spot to go greet them, though he can’t recall how he managed to make his legs work. 

“Lucas, this is Amelia,” _don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it_ , “she’s my girlfriend.”

And then she tugs him back in.

Right. Of course. Of course, she’s his girlfriend. Obviously. What did he expect?

He’s rooted to the spot. He can’t look away no matter how much he wants to close his eyes and disappear. But even if he can’t, it’s like he’s already disappeared anyway. He doesn’t feel how hard he’s clenching his fists, not until he senses hardened paint cracking beneath his palm.

Still, he stood there, watching Blue break away from the kiss only to bend his head again to kiss her some more. 

This is all so familiar to Lucas. So familiar that he’s told himself he can’t go through it again. But he’s dumb. He’s dumb and he let his guards down way too quick again.

So, guess who just came knocking? That’s right, déjà vu.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah you can't expect me to write a Skam remake without an Even slow mo moment
> 
> Request Skam NL on [ Netflix NL ](https://help.netflix.com/nl/titlerequest)


	3. Episode 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He keeps thinking. He couldn’t stop thinking.

**Zaterdag 13:30**

The boys had apparently ended up going to the party at Isa’s house instead, much to Maikel’s absolute delight. He’s been talking their ear off about his five-minute encounter with Engel last night ever since they all sat down for brunch at the snack bar. 

“Dude, the way she was touching her hair, I’m pretty sure she was flirting back!” Maikel recalls with a dreamy look on his face. Then for the first time in hours, he stops talking but the spacey gaze he has on stays. Lucas almost feels bad at the knowledge that the conversation his friend and Engel had was as one-sided as can be, based on the drunk texts he got from Kes and Jayden. When a minute has passed and Maikel still hasn’t said anything else, Kes changes the topic, “So…”

Lucas can feel his best friend’s gaze on him as he picks on his fries, so he looks up only to see him with that worried expression he seems to be wearing a lot these days. He can’t help but sigh inwardly.

“How’s your mom, Luc?”

This makes the other boys turn to look at him curiously as well. There’s the guilt from yesterday coming back to creep up on him, but he swallows it again. He’s already done it; the only way to end the conversation quickly is to keep up the lie.

He lets himself nod, “Yeah, just… you know,” he scans the boys’ faces, they don’t know, “…stress.”

“What do you mean _stress_?” Jayden questions, “My mom has been stressed since the day I was born but you don’t see me bailing on you all.”

He could only laugh awkwardly in response to that. Kes fixes Jayden a stern look, and though he tries to hide it from Lucas with a cough, of course, he still catches it. The thing is, Jayden and Maikel don’t know what Kes knows. They haven’t felt the coldness in the place he used to call home, heard the screams that sound more like curses rather than prayers, nor seen the way the apartment started looking like what his mom is becoming: a mess. All they know is the most watered down version of the story— much like how Jayden said he didn’t want to be home because his own mom was there and that’s that.

“Sorry man,” he clears his throat, “I’ll ask Ralph if we can use the flat for a pre-drink or something to make it up to you guys.”

The boys cheer at that, already thinking of the perfect day to party and people to invite. Kes still keep looking his way but he pointedly focuses on the planning instead.

“So, Saturday good?” That’s Jayden’s way of saying truce.

“Yeah, Saturday’s good.” There’s a small satisfaction at the fact that the boys didn’t even notice that he hadn’t answered what he meant by his mom being stressed.

Save for Kes, he corrects himself now that he decided to face his direction. As expected, he’s still wearing the same worry-filled appearance. His eyes seem to be asking _are you sure you don’t want to talk about it?_

Lucas holds his tongue. There are a lot of things occupying his mind. He keeps thinking about how he actually doesn’t know how his mom’s health is going, apart from her unwavering spirituality based on the constant texts. He keeps thinking about how his dad isn’t guilty enough considering the (less) amount of guilt money he receives, considering how much he put Lucas through. He keeps thinking about how Esra must already know he’s the reason why her food randomly goes missing. He keeps thinking about showing the boys the sketches he does of them, telling them about the art workshop.

But he also keeps thinking about that time back in Isa’s cabin, when he had played Kings of Convenience and Kes called it gay music. He also keeps thinking about how Kes had comforted him even while he had his own problems— problems that Lucas sort of caused. So he holds his tongue and shakes his head no. He doesn’t want to talk about it.

**Maandag 3:03**

He couldn’t stop thinking. He figures it’s the price he has to pay for refusing to let anyone hear those thoughts, for keeping them caged in the confines of his restless brain. It’s just awfully inconvenient when he ends up having to turn up to class with a maximum of four hours of sleep everyday.

He stares at the cracks in his ceiling, the same cracks he’s already memorized in the short time he’s lived in the flatshare. He tries to picture a field full of sheep. One, two, three, he counts. He counts up to the number five before he goes back to one when the image of his mom replaces the clouds of white fur he conjured in his head. He gets to another count of five before a memory of Jayden’s voice breaks through again and he’s suddenly reminded of all the things he hasn’t told the boys, including Kes. He sighs. Another sleepless night for him then.

He rolls over to retrieve his phone only to be greeted with another Bible verse sent by his mom in the evening. Just great.

He clears his notifications before unlocking his phone and going straight to his Instagram app. He scrolls idly for a while, skipping through his friends’ stories and liking every post without actually looking at them. When that got tiring, he checks his Instagram notifications and would you look at that. Another thing added on his ongoing list of things to keep him up at night. Because apparently Lily followed him three days ago and he didn’t even notice. 

He follows back without thinking but when he goes back to refresh his feed, Lily’s latest post pops out. He pauses. He lets himself look. The last time he looked at her properly was at that pool party and yet the only thing he could remember from then are the colors of the strobe lights reflected on her skin. So, he really lets himself look this time. He realizes two things. One, she’s actually prettier than he remembered, and two, he doesn’t feel anything when he looks at her. Not like the way he does when he looks at _someone else._

No, stop. He’s not going to think about that. 

He shakes himself out of his own thoughts and clicks the like button instead. He’s about to mindlessly scroll through his feed again when he pauses again. Should he add a comment? He hesitates but decides a simple _sweet_ won’t hurt. He waits for the comment to send before exiting the app entirely and opening up Google.

He isn’t even done typing yet but his past searches already come up. The results presented at him has a whole top page of hyperlinks colored purple, sites he already visited before. He sighs. Why is he doing this again?

He clicks on the first result anyway. _Ultimate Gay Test: How Gay Are You?_ Maybe if he chooses the right answers, he’ll get an outcome he wouldn’t mind telling people about. Maybe.

The next five minutes has him second guessing his choices and convincing himself there’s no deeper reason to that. He’s definitely not choosing the most obvious answers. He chooses the second most obvious at times, okay? He doesn’t know why he’s holding his breath the whole time he’s taking the quiz and even more so while he’s waiting for the result. Later when he gets the _20% gay_ conclusion, he stares at it long and he’s still holding his breath.

He opens another tab. It takes him a while to word his question but he’s eventually directed to a forum on Reddit. It takes him even longer to find an answer that makes sense. But when he finds it, he finally manages to release the breath he was holding.

> _**How do you get turned on by girls if you’re gay?**_  
> 
> 
> _I get drunk and try to focus on what’s attractive about the girl. Works for me_

**Woensdag 13:43**

It’s rare for Lucas to be hanging at the study hall, even rarer for him to be there with Kes, Jayden, and Maikel. But the latter swore they couldn’t not go when the dance troupe girls will be promoting open mic night in here. So, here they are, watching as the girls move from table to table, performing their little dance before passing out flyers. The closer the group gets to their table, the more it shook from all the impatient tapping the boys were doing, while Lucas, well; he’s got his notebook open on an empty page just for something else to look at.

He’s itching to draw something, anything. But he’s never drawn in front of the boys. As far as they know, Lucas can’t even hold a pen right. Only Kes knows about his little hobby from when he used to fill the margins of all his textbooks with doodles all through middle school. 

A K-pop song he’s never heard before plays right by his ear, startling him out of his hold on his pen. He looks up just in time for his friends to start cheering. That signals the girls’ arrival. 

He puts away his untouched notebook and claps along with everyone. But despite his loud hollers, he can’t actually share the same enthusiasm as his friends. He observes as the girls shake their hips and flip their hair and move about gracefully and yet, he’s brought back to his bed at dawn, looking at Lily’s picture and feeling nothing. They’re good, actually. Too good for a 30-second presentation everybody else won’t even bat an eye at— everybody else who are not his friends. So, that won’t be an excuse why he’s fighting so hard not to roll his eyes at the other occupants of his table, masking it instead with some half-hearted applause.

He might be studying the flyer handed over to him a little too intently just to avoid seeing the boys look longingly at the dancers’ retreating forms. He would normally not even bother looking at these flyers. But now that he did, he couldn’t help but pick on it. There’s an effeminate looking guy photoshopped onto the front page, dressed in a ballerina outfit and posed with an elegant line. He taps at Kes’ shoulder to get his attention and shoves the paper to his face, pointing at the guy’s picture.

“Don’t you think he’s a little too gay?” He snorts.

“Huh?” Kes’s face scrunches up in puzzlement.

“What? Don’t you think he is? He looks ultra gay.”

“We don’t know that. Besides, even if he is, what’s up with you dissing him for being one?”

“I’m not dissing him! I’m just pointing out what’s obvious.”

“Yeah? Great observation, then.”

Lucas scoffs at that, “Why are you acting so pissed?”

“What?” The frown on Kes deepens. He looks at Lucas as if what he just said personally offended him, “You’re the one who’s being grouchy all day—“

They don’t notice a figure looming over their table until a voice interrupts their bubble.

“This is yours, right?” In front of him is a hand holding out the denim jacket missing from his racks. He’s a hundred percent sure it’s his based on the tiny pipe print on the front pocket, which he put there himself. His eyes travel up through the arm, and up, up, until he’s met with dark expectant eyes and a raised eyebrow. 

It’s Blue. The last he’s seen him was Friday in his apartment. Since then, he refused thinking about how that night ended. By extension, he refused thinking about the very guy standing in front of him entirely. _And yet._ And yet, he could barely curb the excitement bubbling out of him just from the sight of Blue. Right now, there’s a fluttery feeling in his stomach that was painfully absent just a few minutes ago. He draws in a breath to compose himself and averts his gaze back to his jacket. That’s when it dawns on him that the last time he saw the jacket was Friday in Blue’s apartment as well. The same Friday night he hung out with this guy instead of his friends, his friends who are now looking back and forth between them confusedly. Fuck.

He tries to come up with anything that won’t give himself away of his little lie, the butterflies in his tummy morphing into that caused by panic. He remains silent long enough that Blue coughs awkwardly and with a frown, he says, “Well, you left this at the cafeteria last Friday. Thought you would want it back.”

And with that, he tosses the jacket over and leaves with a wave. Lucas tries to ignore the fact that his friends definitely saw him still wearing it when they parted ways after school. He can’t exactly tell if they were suspicious of him.

So, when Kes asks, “Who’s that dude?” it takes everything in him to remove the tremor in his words as he replies, “Just some senior who asked for directions last week.” 

Maikel suddenly remembering some shit a senior apparently went up to at Isa’s party is what breaks the weird tension brewing in their table. Lucas sighs in relief. 

**Vrijdag 19:15**

The ten minutes it took for him to walk from the flatshare to the convention hall felt longer than it really was mainly for the thoughts consuming him the entire time. Does Lily hate him? Kes never really told him how she reacted to Lucas bailing last Friday. Will it be awkward with Blue now? How is he supposed to act in front of him? Can he handle both of Blue and Lily in the same room?

When he steps into the Art Room, his relief at not seeing Blue in the seat next to him is short-lived the minute he spots Lily already in front of her easel a few seats front. He doesn’t even have time to collect his thoughts and sit down when she turns and looks directly at him. Her manneristic tapping stops right then and a weak smile eases itself into her face, so unlike the usual confidence she had exuded the first three or four times they interacted.

There’s nothing to worry about, he tells himself. Invite her to the pre-party, turn the usual charm on, see that he could really have something with her, forget the last two weeks happened, and just go back to being friends or acquaintances or even better, strangers with Blue. That should be easy.

So, with purposeful strides, Lucas walks over to Lily. She’s since looked away so she doesn’t see him coming until he’s leaning by the easel in front of her. He thinks the blush on her cheeks when she realizes it’s Lucas should be adorable to him. He decides not to finish that thought.

“Hey, Lily.” He uses that little half-smile that he knew worked like magic every time.

Said girl blushes even more and mumbles a _hey Lucas_ in reply. That’s enough motivation for him that this could end well. Really well.

“I’m really sorry about missing your party last week. If there wasn’t an emergency I wouldn’t have missed it for the world.” That’s a lie. But he swears it’s one he won’t have to repeat. 

“It’s fine. Everything’s good now, though?”

“Yeah, it’s all good. Don’t worry.” There’s a lull, so he continues, “Listen, there’s a pre-party at my place tomorrow. I was hoping you’d go? Unless you have an emergency of course.” They laugh. They have a little inside joke already. This is going better than expected.

“Sure, just DM me your address,” she pauses. It’s then he notices how much longer her eyelashes are up close, the dimples that appear when she smiles, the usual confidence she had slowly coming back. He could feel eyes on her, on them. He can’t be bothered by them, his plan is going well. “I wouldn’t miss it for the world, Lucas.”

She turns back to her easel with a satisfied smile. Lucas unconsciously mirrors her. He doesn’t notice how hard he’s grinning until his cheeks start to hurt. Two inside jokes! They’re at two inside jokes now!

He starts walking back to his seat with a spring to his steps. He gets up to three steps when he pauses. He’s finally feeling something. He doesn’t even have an ounce of alcohol in him and he feels something. His face would be stuck in a grin at this point, but he doesn’t mind anymore.

That is until he reaches his seat and sees Blue already sitting beside him, already looking at him. His smile drops. The _something_ in his gut earlier evolves into a whole plethora of _somethings,_ a flight of butterflies taking hostage of the entire space inside him; nothing like the tiny fizzle he thought he felt just minutes ago. So much for this being easy.

“Hey you.” Blue flashes him a smile. Lucas is failing spectacularly now.

“Hey.”

They’re back to the awkwardness last week, the crackle in the air outside the grocery store. He probably pissed the other boy off when he pretended not to know him. His own knuckles are turning white from how hard he’s gripping the sides of his chair.

“So—“

“Uh—“

They start talking at the same time. Blue gestures for him to go first, so he goes to apologize for last Wednesday. Well, that was the plan until his traitorous mouth said something else. 

“Are you free tomorrow? There’s a pre-party at my place, you can come.”

Before Blue could answer, there’s a collective scraping of chairs and an echo from a microphone coming from the front. And then, there’s a clearing of throat.

“So, today’s theme will be ‘Constants’. You’re free to draw anything as long as it follows the theme and your preferred art style, or dare I say, your _constant?_ Anyways, everyone’s pieces from today will be presented at the first Art Room exhibition in a few weeks, so do your best!”

It’s automatic for Lucas to begin sketching an outline of his friends: Kes, Jayden, and Maikel. He couldn’t dwell on the fact that he might never let them see this, despite how much care he’s putting into details of them. Instead, his thoughts keep circulating on the butterflies in his stomach that never left and the picture of the boy beside him smiling when he invited him to the pre-party. Ultimately, he wonders what Blue might be drawing. But he never looks. He doesn’t ask his question again and they don’t talk the whole time either. It’s just him, the warmth from his side that he tries to ignore, his thoughts, and what’s starting to look like the faces of his friends judging him for the things he’s thinking.

He goes home with Blue’s number now saved on his phone and the image in his head of his finished art piece mocking him for it.

**Zaterdag 19:20**

The flat is packed to the brim. When Jayden bragged about this party being bigger than the one they threw here last year, he wasn’t bluffing. 

In one corner, Kes already has a girl pinned to the wall, to his back is Maikel screaming over Jayden in disbelief. Lucas didn’t have to be close by to know that Maikel had been in the middle of one of his stories when Kes just dived in on the girl under him. He’s been there before. 

The living room space was converted into a makeshift dance floor, where the girls have taken over the space. Janna is grinding with a girl from his class. Engel is close by with a drink in her hand, swaying along to the music with Ralph and Esra. He’s pretty sure Maikel would be joining them soon once he finishes up his rant. And just a few bodies away, Isa is making out with… Anna? Lucas cranes his neck to confirm that, yes; it is in fact Gijs’ ex-girlfriend. Isa must be drunk already this early in the evening to be kissing girls— the girl she fought with over a guy no less.

He ignores the fact that it’s technically his fault why they fought in the first place. But he consoles himself with knowing that they ended up becoming friends, even going as far as partying together, even after Anna graduated. He watches them pull away, Isa in his direct line of vision. It’s too dark but he could still clearly see the way Isa casted her eyes towards the other girl. It’s a look he hasn’t seen in a while; a look he always saw up close whenever Kes stringed him along to his and Isa’s dates. Isa hooks an arm around Anna’s neck and uses it to pull her back in for another kiss, a hint of a smile on their lips the whole time. He looks away. He feels like he just witnessed something private.

Lucas nurses his second beer on a couch pushed to the side, giving him a clear view of both the party situation and the entryway. He convinces himself he’s only waiting for Lily to arrive. But later when she walks through the entryway and straight to where he’s seated, he can’t explain why he’s still turning every five minutes to look at the door (or he can, he just doesn’t want to admit it).

He’s having a nice time. He’s fetched more beer for Lily and him, making him forget about the door for some time. It’s nice. Lily’s nice. He doesn’t have to wait for someone else.

“You left early yesterday.” She brings up after a second of comfortable silence.

“Yeah, sorry. I was in a hurry.” It’s only the half-truth, but she can’t exactly know that he left because of a boy he can’t control himself around, can he?

“I hope you don’t mind. I peeked at your work again. It might be one of the best in the whole workshop, and that’s saying a lot because I’m pretty proud of my own.”

Lucas thanks her with a laugh but his heart starts pounding as he looks around if anybody heard. Of course, no one did. The music is too loud and his friends are wrapped up in their own things far at the other corner and all over the dance floor. But, he can’t risk people knowing what’s he’s up to on some Fridays; he changes the topic.

“What’s your favorite music?”

“Huh?” She scooches closer, angling her ear by his face. He repeats his question, feeling victory at the alcohol settling in his stomach and the slight thud in his heart at their proximity.

“Oh, I like Shawn Mendes and Camila Cabello. Their collab is everything! Aren’t they cute?”

That answer makes him rub at his face and scoff at her, “You’re joking.” 

“No? What about you then?”

Over a week ago, he would have had a different answer. Instead he says, “I like some Soundcloud artists these days.”

He pauses, which is a mistake. It’s a mistake because he catches two figures entering the door from the corner of his eye. Speak of the devil and he shall come with an arm candy. Blue’s here, and he brought his girlfriend. Great.

Lucas downs the last of his fourth drink, feeling the slight burn in his throat. Then he inches closer to Lily. Their noses are touching, the heat from her cheeks radiated to his own. 

“This okay?” If she minded his breath, she doesn’t let on. Lily doesn’t reply. She pulls him even closer instead and drapes her arms around his shoulders. Then, she presses an open-mouthed kiss, which he immediately reciprocates.

He lets his own hands roam her slim waist, his tongue now dancing against hers. The heat from his throat has now traveled throughout his body, his skin firing up. Until there’s a dip in the couch as a weight drops behind Lily and a voice overpowering the loud music.

“Enjoying without us?”

“Blue, what the fuck are you doing!”

Lucas separates himself from Lily in surprise. He blinks at Blue who is now seated behind her and then at Amelia, who’s standing in front of the couch with her arms crossed and a murderous look directed at her boyfriend.

“What? We can’t not greet the one who invited us, can we?”

Blue dismisses her to high five with Lily. She greets him enthusiastically, forcing Lucas to mumble a greeting, too.

And then it’s tense, save for the rambling on Lily’s part. It’s tense because Blue won’t stop negating everything she says and Amelia would scold her for it. Then Lily would start again and the cycle continues.

So when there’s a short second of silence before the next song starts, he grabs Lily’s hand and pulls her up and away to the dance floor. 

He doesn’t have to look straight at Blue and Amelia to know that they moved to the dance floor as well, just a few feet away from him and Lily. He knows that if he does look up, he’ll get a clear view of them.

He recognizes the song right away, it’s _In Your Eyes_ by The Weeknd. Lucas loses himself in the funky beat, in Lily’s laugh, at her swaying matching his. But when the singing starts, he realizes he’s made another mistake of choosing this song to dance to.

_I just pretend that I'm in the dark  
I don't regret 'cause my heart can't take a loss _

He tries putting all his attention to Lily. He truly did. But he was just nodding along to whatever she was saying, the words not really sinking in. Instead, the lyrics of the song plague his thoughts, this time he can’t deny that the boy just a few steps away is at fault in this.

_I'd rather be so oblivious  
I'd rather be with you _

Lucas looks at their direction before he could stop himself. He’s met with the sight of Blue and Amelia smiling into their kiss, already made up. But just like last Friday, he still can’t look away.

_When it's said, when it's done, yeah  
I don't ever wanna know _

Without taking his eyes away from them, he tilts his head to plant a kiss on Lily’s lips. One that quickly turns open-mouthed, one that she all but leads without knowing why.

Lily pulls him to her body, all while still dancing along to the beat. But his eyes are dancing with the man in front of him, with the bounce of his curls, with the strobe lights traveling his skin, his high cheeks, his closed eyes.

_I can tell what you done, yeah  
When I look at you in your eyes _

But, Blue’s eyes aren’t closed anymore. They’re wide open now, whilst still attached to the lips with his girlfriend. They’re wide-open and looking right back at Lucas’s own eyes.

_I see there's something burning inside you_

His mouth has gone slack against Lily’s, but she keeps pushing herself unto him, her hands traveling the expanse of his chest, his shoulders, his back, and as far as she could reach. He’s heating up, but it’s got nothing to do with her. It’s everything to do with the man kissing another girl but peeling every layer in Lucas’s body with just his eyes. He knows his own are doing the same.

He feels exposed, vulnerable. But he keeps kissing Lily now with a different kind of vigor. He feels more than hears the pleased moan vibrating through his lips, making him kiss harder and look harder, as if the barrier of bodies between Blue and him isn’t there at all.

Lily’s hand on his cheek is what grounds him back to reality, reminds him that he’s here with her, not someone else. So, he closes his eyes. He ignores the tingling feeling at the back of his neck when he turns himself and Lily along to the music. He doesn’t look at Blue again for the rest of the night.

They had to consider the elderly neighbors in their building so the pre-party breaks up at exactly midnight. The crowd is fast to leave, there’s already another party nearby to move on to. Before long, the flat is empty save for Lucas.

He figures it’s the best time to catch up with all the sleep he wasn’t able to get this past week. He’s already half asleep from all the alcohol in his system anyway, his movement lethargic as he picks up as much trash as he could. 

He’s about to pick up a bent can from the floor when another hand moves to take it as well. It makes him jump into a standing position only to be face to face with Blue.

Blue looks caught off guard too with how close they’re standing together, so Lucas takes it upon himself to take a step back.

“What are you still doing here?”

“Well, you invited me but I wasn’t able to hang out with you as much tonight.”

“Where’s Amelia?”

An unreadable expression crosses Blue’s face, which he’s quick to cover up with a smile. Lucas caught it, but he doesn’t know what it means.

“Well, I kinda made her mad so I let her leave first so she could cool off or whatever. She’ll just get more mad if I came with her.”

Lucas looks down and fiddles with his hands, “I’m sorry. Are you— Are you sad?”

There’s a huff and then a quiet laugh.

“No. I’m actually okay. It’s just,” Blue clears his throat, “this keeps happening. Have been for the past five years.”

He feels himself swallow hard. Five years. That long. He doesn’t speak, but Blue keeps talking anyway.

“I’m pretty sure we’ll break up one of these days.”

His heart starts beating erratically at those words. He clenches his fist to stop himself from rubbing his chest or beating himself up for being delighted at what he just heard.

So all he says is, “Oh.”

He feels his knees weaken; his head lighten. Fuck, he must be drunker than he thought. The back of his legs hit foam, somehow planting himself on the couch in a proper sitting position without seeming like he actually fell into it. Blue doesn’t notice but he goes to sit beside him.

They’re a ruler apart, both facing the entryway. He realizes it’s the same couch he sat on earlier. He’s feeling less dizzy now that he’s rested a bit. But he still has no control over his words.

“Wanna play?”

He laughs to himself when he realizes that he doesn’t have to be drunk to be this loose-tongued around the other boy. He laughs even more when Blue says yes.

They place the TV and the shared game console back in its place and rearrange the couch to face it. They fix the place a little more and some time later, the flat looks more like it used to before the crowd trashed it and they’ve played at least four rounds. 

Lucas drops his controller with a bit of a tantrum after Blue beats him the second time. The other boy places his as well on the coffee table and angles himself on the couch to face Lucas.

It was a comfortable silence for a while. But the silence is making his eyes droop so he fills it in with the first thing that comes to his mind.

“I’ve listened to all your songs by the way.”

Blue raises his eyebrows at him, “What did you think? Brent Faiyaz still has his loyal fan?”

He chooses not to answer that. He doesn’t need Blue to know that it’s probably the only thing he’s listened to for a week. 

Instead he answers with another question, “Were those songs for Amelia?”

He digs his nails into his palm to stop himself from slapping a hand to his mouth. He was not supposed to ask that.

But, Blue answers coolly, not bothered by the question, “No, it wasn’t.”

“Some other girls?” Lucas should really cut off his own tongue right about now.

“Not necessarily a girl, honestly.”

That makes him pause from the discourse he’s having in his head.

“No?”

Blue raises an eyebrow at him, “Is that a problem?”

“No, no, no. My brain was just not catching up.” He’s quick to defend. It’s not a problem at all. In fact, he’s elated. He digs his nails harder but his heart doesn’t stop thudding. “It’s perfectly fine.”

“Yeah?”

Lucas feels the words breathed to his cheek, making him look up. It’s then that he realizes how close Blue has gotten, how close his lips are to his own. Those are the same lips kissing another girl’s just a few hours ago, the same lips that seem to be zooming in, the same lips that are actually getting even closer, the same lips letting out breaths that kiss his.

He’s about to tilt his head when there’s a sound of bags dropping from behind them. He whips himself fast and away from Blue to the direction of the sound, the haze from the alcohol suddenly lifted away at the sight before him. There is Liv Reijners in the flesh. Liv, who was supposed to be in Berlin, with huge bags at her foot and a suspicious look on her face.

_Fuck._

“I’m home.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'd love to hear your thoughts on this chapter. Comments fuel me <3
> 
> Request Skam NL on [ Netflix NL ](https://help.netflix.com/en/titlerequest)


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